Inexplicable
Wednesday, January 15, 202010:10 AM
It was when I went downstairs to my apartment lobby to fetch my food from the Grab delivery chap that I discerned the dampness around my under eyes. My deduction was that I cried in the elevator. But why was I feeling so overwhelmed and upset if I had just gotten my Finals done and over with? I was supposed to feel liberated.
It wasn't a surprise though, crying feels like a routine without which my day would be as though it's too good to be true.
It wasn't a surprise though, crying feels like a routine without which my day would be as though it's too good to be true.
Hi. Sorry. I am the bare minimum bitch who only ever posts stuff every new year. I hope you're well, but if you aren't, read on and take this journey with me. But if you don't relate in a similar predicament, you're welcome to join me too. Some company would be nice.
Do you ever realise that the way you treat others is a testament to who you truly are? Or the type of person that you are. Through all the ordeals that I braved last year up until now, I realised how much I've changed - both progressed and regressed. The latter prevails, methinks. With ample time spent by myself in my own solitude, I gave it a long thought. Here comes the hypercritical self-deprecation.
Like, wth, I've been an insufferable piece of shit to my loved ones and ESPECIALLY to my own self. I have been socially withdrawn and repressive in my thoughts yet blaming others for forsaking me. I have been gaslighting my companions for sometimes not being in the right headspace to help me deal with my own bullshit. I have been led astray which resulted in slacken spiritual duties. I sabotage myself physically. I study my courses but it's a robotic motion because I only put in efforts in my academics purely because I have to. I look at my reflection in the mirror and never say nice things to it. I wake up many mornings wishing that I'll never have to again. I brought about a difficulty to trust anything that anyone says and suffer the consequences of constantly having second thoughts and doubts after doubts after doubts. I never thought I'd be one to overthink because I once had a deeply-entrenched stoic temperament that I carried for so long. But over the past year, overthinking and reading too much into things more than there really are have thrown me into a trap that I myself created.
What do you think of having to protect you from yourself for sanity's sake? I feel like I have polarising entities within me, one of which is writhing and wanting to be set free, and the other is a compassionate and doting motherly figure that prays for every ensuing day to look up. One keeps trying to override the other until my system goes haywire. In the end, I lose the strength to try and succumb to whatever my own mind wants to do to me. Mind over matter, they say. But the mind is often poison.
A loved one said that it's annoying to apologise over and over again for something that's beyond our control. "It's not your fault", "You didn't even wish for this" and "It's okay" are supposed to placate me and put me at ease. Granted, but I find it easier to put a blame on something for every problem that occurs. And I find it the easiest to put the blame on myself.
A trusted adult once asked me, "Are you comfortable in this sadness?" I asked myself if I'm actually addicted to such emotion - you know how some people romanticise sadness and feign sob stories to gain love and sympathy. After much deliberation, I was convinced that I do want to escape this incessant dark mist. I so badly want to, and I don't like this sadness.
Shit is a tedious journey though. I'm so tired. But I can't be tired because this is all my own bullshit. They're me. They originate solely from me. I create them hence I have to be accountable to them without whingeing about how arduous the whole process is. I really am a weakling.
Aren't I?
