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Bad Thoughts
Monday, October 15, 20188:34 AM

With tasks lined up to be completed, I’m sat on my mattress, leaning against my pillow propped against the wall, sipping on soy milk in absurd hopes that I become more fully-endowed. I have other things to think about and to accomplish. Going into the 7th week of my third semester, things are getting crowded on my plate. But you know bad thoughts. Bad thoughts, though never allowed in, still swarm in. Because when bad thoughts intrude, they intrude. No compromise. 

Bad thoughts are never easy to translate to those who don’t or rarely have them, no matter how big of an empathy they possess. But that doesn’t mean that such thing is not prevalent. In today’s youth, I think bad thoughts exist nearly everywhere that sometimes I feel like they travel from person to person. Knowing how romanticised bad thoughts can be, it’s probable that it’s merely a chain reaction triggered by lots of people seeking attention. However for people who are genuinely and constantly going through such horrendous thought process, they’re going through it hard. It’s like a parasite leeching off of every fibre of your being. 

I can’t speak for everyone who suffers from the same predicament. Everyone goes through it differently. One might put up a tough facade and feign happiness when in actuality they’re combusting inside and wanting to go up in flames. Perhaps it’s the only way they know how to go through it, or because it’s easier to deal with it that way so as to avoid confrontations and unsolicited prying eyes. From apprehension to irrational fears to past traumatising incidents irrespective how mild or severe they were, these thoughts are so powerful and forceful, I would lose touch with reality and shake vehemently and forget how to breathe. 

The days where I have to be reminded to carry out the supposedly simple task of inhaling the air and exhaling it are the worst. So are most nights during which I’m unable to sleep. I can only feel the pleasure of slumber through hearing the soft snores of my roommates, and the rhythmic breathing of my sleeping significant other that’s audible from the other end of the phone call. As for me, I can only pretend to sleep. The most I get nightly is one and a half hour long shut-eye. It reminds me that I’m far from okay when the only thing I want so badly is to feel okay. 

Having to go through this…whatever this is, is hard. It’s a stigmatised notion that pain isn’t supposed to exist if it’s not physical. Apparently it is not pain if it’s not tangible. To some bigoted people who lack understanding, this might be the case. But let me tell you, whatever this is, it renders me ill many times and significantly hinders my productivity and prevents me from maximising my potential. Whatever this is, is the last thing that I need as a law student. Sometimes, what hurts about it all is whatever this is, it can be mistaken for laziness. ZZZzzz, by no means. I take full offence from it hahaha. 

Nevertheless, to alleviate the adversity, I try my best to inculcate in my mind that the good shall always overshadow the bad. Though certainly not easy, it reminds me that no matter how horrid it all gets, the bad thoughts do get intertwined with some good ones. I’m fortunate to be surrounded and loved by such warm and accepting company. They return the smiles and laughters that I sometimes give and I love them for it. It feels like running non-stop on the treadmill at the highest speed you can go, but you’re given regular intervals to slow down to a jog. Pleasant and necessary. However, you never get to stop and take a rest. 

It’s a vicious cycle of feeling contented, only to end your day crying in bed and loathing yourself. Worse still, it feels like my days never end. It's a continuous and never-ending fall into a bottomless pit. Added to that is the incessant urge to apologise for being such a hefty burden to the people that you love dearly and dearly love you. The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats and bloody repeats. I want it to end.

The track is windy and treacherous, full of thorns and poison ivy. I’m trudging and struggling, I scamper down slopes which take me back to square one. I don’t know when it will ever arrive, but the day that I reach the top of the mountain, there will be no apologies, but only gratitude. And I will be so much in euphoria of self love. And I will share it with you.