Trigger Warning pt. 1
Friday, May 22, 20209:31 AM
Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide and self harm.
15/5/2020
12 pm:
What began as a routine appointment at PPUM turned into a colossal cry fest and confiding in the doctor about all the morbid thoughts that I've had pent up in my chest for weeks. It all led to one decision: admission to the psychiatric ward. That meant no communication with the outside world, my phone getting confiscated, not catching up with whatever bullshits that the locals can pick out as argument material on Twitter. Plus I was supposed to speak at a webinar about gender-based violence on TikTok, something that I was looking forward to. Shame, a missed opportunity. I was gutted and also confused.
The most daunting part of it all was informing my parents, as I came with Syaqeerah for company. My parents had been informed of my frequent anxiety two months ago, but boy were they in for a surprise when they picked up my call.
1 pm:
With all my guard lowered down, I hugged my dad when he walked into the ward with a bag of my necessities. That bag had to be inspected first. Any pieces of clothing that can form a ligature got taken away. Like my favourite pink shawl that I was wearing. My dad handed me a get-well-soon card, curated by all my family members. I cried in his hug. I never had, if you discount all of my infantile days. So that was something.
2 pm:
One of the first things that was done at the ward was an ECG, no idea what it stands for, but the function was to monitor my heart functions by pasting some patches on my chest and boobies and hooking them up to a machine. Then they drew my blood.
3 pm:
It was so tiring because I had to recount my depressive stories multiple times, to multiple doctors. Break up, suicidality, online classes, loneliness, sleeplessness, blergh. Also, I was told by the doctors that one of the main objectives of staying in a psychiatric ward was habit/lifestyle alteration. We'll see how true that would be. On the bright side, I made a new friend, 21 year-old Emily who was depressed and had been stuck here for 2 weeks. My thoughts about how noisy the nurses were that they made it difficult for the patients to sleep were echoed by Emily.
4 pm:
In a bed diagonal to mine laid a Chinese lady who appeared to be in her late 40s who did weird things, like crawling under the overbed tables and going to the toilet every 15 minutes. Literally. Her movements were constricted though. She had the entire portion of the ward to herself from which she wasn't allowed to transgress and to which no other patients could go. Dia macam MCO within an MCO lah HAHA.
6 pm:
Emily visited my bed and we ate apples together as we watched the aforementioned Chinese lady undress and exposed her naked body. The nurses screamed, "Pakai balik baju!", which she disregarded. And then she pulled the entire blanket off of her bed, gathered it in her arms and made her way to the bathroom. The nurses again screamed, "Letak balik selimut!". This is exactly how I imagined a psychiatric ward would be. Emily and I took another bite from our apples and scoffed. It turned out that Emily was from Assunta Girls High School. I exclaimed that I was from Sri Aman. These two schools were arch nemeses but look at us, both ended up in the psychiatric ward.
Our attention was drawn back to the Chinese lady who was keening while the nurses were restraining her to the bed. After the nurses were done, Emily retreated to her bed as well. As I was settlng in mine, the Chinese lady beckoned to me and said, "Saya tak mau tinggal sini. Saya mau mati". I looked back at her wordlessly and nodded.
8 pm:
Doing my skincare routine was therapeutic, so I took my time with it until a nurse knocked on the bathroom door, "Cepat sikit boleh tak?" with sheer urgency. I rushed my routine done, then went back out to a very strong, pungent stench that emanated the entire ward. Weh I tell you skkjkskdj someone shat herself. That someone was another old lady with the sweetest disposition who talked to herself all the time. She smiled a lot. Commotion surrounding cleaning her up ensued - gloves up for the nurses. It was all good though fr. All laughters and screamings of "Ha basuh la banyak sikit", "Basuh la pepek tu, aduhai...". Fuck lawak la.
16/5/2020
4:50 am:
I woke up, I asked the nurse what time it was. Seemed like even with 1mg of Lorazepam ingested, my sleep would always be interrupted. I tried to get another shuteye.
7:40 am:
The nurse woke me up and urged me to take a shower. Bapak la awal gila. Normally I'd only shower at 4 pm. After I was done, I walked past the lady that shat herself last night. Let's call her Cikgu Faizah because apparently she was a teacher who was also a grader for SPM Mathematics. My hair was wet as I was fresh out of shower, she followed my movements intently and called out to me, "Comei betul la anak Khadijah ni". Khadijah mana pulak hsdhjghgd. Then I did my skincare routine and took a nap.
10:00 am:
My nap was interrupted by Cikgu Faizah. She kept convincing me that my parents had arrived to come and get me home so she "helped me" pack my stuff so I could go home. I knew that it was something else that she saw. Schizophrenics are wonderfully odd. She kept cursing at shadows that she saw, apparently in the forms of a turtle, a telekung and my parents. I asked her where she was from, several times. She gave me different answers each time. Jerantut then Melaka then Kedah. I excitedly told her that my hometown is in Kedah too, to which she responded, "Ha raya ni jom la balik naik bas sama-sama". Ah sudah aku kena ikut dia balik kampung ke gila...
4 pm:
This place was driving me crazy. I was the least crazy amongst all the crazies. It made me mad, sad and amused. I was crying but I didn't know why.
6 pm:
Cikgu Faizah kept telling everyone in the ward that I was her anak saudara and that I had a baby that I abandoned in the recreation room. Tak tau nak cakap apa...
I made friends with Claudine, a 25 year old with MDD and BPD. She was admitted because she was found by her housemate on the ledge of her apartment. She offered me a chocolate chip cookie, and when I told her about my heartbreak, she stated that something similar befell her and that she went through a phase where she didn't believe there'd be anyone who would ever accept her flaws. But after 2 years, she found one.
6:30 pm:
I made friends with Kasthoori, who was of the same age as me. She didn't have any family, and had been living with her boyfriend for 5 years. Things took a major depressive turn when her boyfriend broke up with her upon finding out that she had MDD. She had epileptic fits which landed her in the ICU for 2 days before she was transferred to the psychiatric ward. When I saw the drawings and writings of her boyfriend next to her pillow, I gave her a hug.
7:30 pm:
Cikgu Faizah asked me if I dah habis menyusukan anak and force fed me some apples "for nutrition" for the purpose of lactation. Botak lah jDGhjdgfhg my boobs are empty sia.
8:30 pm:
While I was entertaining a drowsy Emily at my bed, I heard a snap sound originating from my overbed table. The old Chinese lady stole my packet of biscuits. She immediately opened it, devoured the biscuits and exclaimed, "Saya punya, saya punya!" while the nurses admonished her. I gelak je, and so did she with a mouth full of biscuits.
9:45 pm:
Kasthoori had gone through a lot, it was evident in her jaded eyes. Her (ex) boyfriend was the only one who knew her truly, her parents died earlier on in her life and she had no friends. She spent her childhood in an orphanage and was released right when her boyfriend came into her life. I did understand the excruciating pain of suddenly having a pillar of strength taken away all of a damn sudden. When a house doesn't have pillars, it collapses. And that was happening to us. We were collapsing.
10:00 pm:
Kasthoori was clinging to my arm and repeating, "I miss him so much" like a mantra. Then she demanded the reason behind why is it always the woman in the relationship that gets completely broken and harshly forgotten? I told her that I had the same unanswered question.
10:30 pm:
Bedtime. I pulled the blanket over my head and cried. I was sad. I was devastatingly sad. I missed someone whom I should not miss. The nurse gave me my meds earlier on but I thought I needed an enhanced dosage. If sleeping forever was impossible to be done here, at least I wanted to sleep through the night. I was so sad.
Anyway, I miss my phone and watching TikToks on it.
17/5/2020
8 am:
I woke up to the nurse hooking my arm to the blood pressure machine. And then they moved my bed to another spot with the reason "Wong selalu curi biskut dia". I didn't mind anyone stealing my food actually, I had a lot more snacks sent in by my dad. I didn't think I could even finish them all, might fuck around and do charity and ration them to the whole ward.
9 am:
I was sitting crosslegged on my bed, writing this journal, when Cikgu Faizah came and tiber baring in front of me on my bed. Kenapa orang tua ni baring kat depan I HAHAHA. And then she melalut about buat COD kuih raya because Poslaju tak boleh post dah.
Since it was a Sunday, the nurses had to weigh every patient. To put things into perspective, over two months ago, when I had skyrocketing appetite and would go for a second helping or even finish Said's food, I weighed 58 kg. Quite hefty for my height but damn my ass was voluptuous. But today, as I stood on the weighing scale, I found out that I weighed exactly 50 kg. I lost 8 kg in 2 months wtf. Now I could feel my curves flattening like a damn inflatable mascot losing air inside. Fuck my life.
9:30 am:
I showered. It's the overhead rain shower type in the bathroom. Memories. I cried.
12:40 pm:
Emily's mum sent in food supplies to her. Thing about this ward was, visitors weren't really allowed unless it was absolutely necessary. As Emily was unpacking Milo and Oreos, Kasthoori looked on with a desolate look on her face. Having parents really was a blessing.
3 pm:
My nap was interrupted by Cikgu Faizah screaming, "Pantat! Burid!". I wanted to cry and laugh, what a noisy ass 57 year old. She also insisted that she gets sent 2 Milo packets but the nurses refused. So they fought. And boy was that a spectacle to watch. On the bright side, I received 2 novels (I requested for non-romance because I couldn't deal with romance), a collection of sellected surahs and du'as and coins. Yeap, we had one payphone in the ward. That was the only way of communicating here, thus the need for the coins. My dad had to drop them off to the auxiliary police officer, then a nurse fetched the items, inspected them, and gave them to me.
6:30 pm:
It was us 5 girls on Kasthoori's bed, including Win Nee who had just come out of her shell. We all had scars on our body, so Win Nee was telling us about hers. She told us that she had MDD, BPD and psychosis. She had a doting family but she incessantly worried about being a burden. She told us that once her subconscious mind took control over her, all hell would break loose. She wouldn't even realise that her arms were bloody and badly bruised. Not an ounce of pain was felt until much later. I relate to that, albeit pertaining to my "tricho-thing". Literally we would not realise anything whilst doing shits to ourselves.
We were like sorority sisters who were fucked in the head. These two hours were very much beautifully enlightening. People often have a misconception that mentally ill people are scary to approach and that you'd have to walk on eggshells around them, but truthfully, for some of us and from what I'd seen thus far, we would tell you about all our bitter struggles and pour our hearts out.
Win Nee, despite her slurred words, turned out to be very funny. She told us that Cikgu Faizah had been stealing her food every breakfast, lunch and dinner time and she was fed up already. In a funnily exasperated way HAHAHA. She also excelled at school, was a top student and athlete. But somewhere along the way, she developed an eating disorder, and it turned into depression. A somber ambiance ensued, then Cikgu Faizah, out of the blue, shouted out, "Don't be sad. Don't cry. Be happy!". Bless her Alzheimer-addled optimism.
9:00 pm:
I was doing my skincare routine on my bed, my Pixi Glow Tonic laid down on it. Cikgu Faizah crept behind me, squinted at the tonic bottled and read it out, "Ha? Puki Glow Tonic?" I- Puki Glow Tonic pun jadi lah.
10:00 pm:
I saw Cikgu Faizah steal coins from Claudine's drawer while the latter was in the bathroom. I could see that Cikgu Faizah thought she was being discreet. Well, yesterday it was the old Chinese lady stealing my biscuits, now this. The Boomers...they're thieves.
10:30 pm:
An auxiliary police officer was walking around in the ward, and I caught him checking me out. The girls agreed. I was revolted.
10:45 pm:
Cikgu Faizah got aggressive, so the nurses restrained her and tied her limbs to her bed. They took her into the isolation room quite far behind into the ward. I could still hear her screaming though. Well, good night.
(Part 2 coming soon)
