Trigger Warning pt. 2
Tuesday, May 26, 20206:10 AM
Trigger warning: Contains mentions of suicide and self harm.
[cont.]
18/5/2020
7:40 am:
This is the most racially heterogeneous environment in which I've been in a few years, due to the fact that I study in UiTM. I was the only Malay in the 20's bunch and I quite liked it. I was fasting today since my period had ended. I told the nurse to wake me up at 5 am for suhoor and she did a job well done. I didn't need much to feel full, the chocolate milk that my dad sent in yesterday and some mineral water already sufficed. Anyway, I was urged to shower. Still growing accustomed to showering so early in the morning. The air-conditioning made me feel SO cold.
10:00 am:
My psychiatrist was Dr Kim, a nice lady. Not particularly warm, but a proper listening ear. She grilled me on my depressive episodes, my self harming, my past harassment experiences, my dreams at night, my short attention span, my anxiety and my suicidal ideations. I was as honest as I could be while feeling all kinds of emotions tangled up together. In the midst of crying, I was feeling guilty, sad, relieved and tired as fuck.
Interestingly, Dr Kim tried to diagnose me with ADHD due to my short attention span and my inability to finish simple tasks, except that in my childhood I was a super quiet kid. But then again my memories from my younger days were practically wiped out, I didn't even understand why. She also asked whether or not the antidepressant that I had been taking all this while actually worked. I shook my head, which gave way to the decision that we needed to switch to another antidepressant, subject to my parents' agreement LMAO. Dr Kim said she would have to discuss with my dad tomorrow, which means she was gonna ask him all about me. Just the thought of it made me shudder. I had such a big ego when it comes to familial love. I found it difficult to be vulnerable with them, I never told them anything.
2:10 pm:
I woke up from a nap to the nurses doing a spot check in all our lockers and bags. I didn't know what gave rise to the need to do so because it wasn't a routine procedure but I malas nak question it. I performed my prayer and when I was done, I was so amused by both Emily and Cikgu Faizah. Both of them were loopy as hell from anesthesia. They just underwent ECT, otherwise known as electroconvulsive therapy which involved using electric currents to pass through the brain to change its brain chemistry. Or something. I don't know, I watch a lot of Big Bang Theory but I don't talk science HAHAHA.
I heard it has a high success rate, but it's usually used as a last resort when the patient doesn't respond to other treatments. It did sound scary to me la, because I remembered when I took Law Relating to Healthcare subject back in my third semester, we learnt about a case in which the patient obtained a fracture as a result of ECT. Emily had been experiencing memory loss since undergoing ECT, albeit only temporarily. Meanwhile, Cikgu Faizah was laying down flat on her back in bed while mumbling, "My lover... manager RHB Bank...". Tah la.
4 pm:
Emily, Kasthoori, Claudine and Win Nee gathered on my bed and talked shit about life. We were so sick in the head and we found it funny. Cikgu Faizah was on the other side of the ward and mumbling unintelligible things while sitting crosslegged with her whole body covered in her blanket. Oh, in case you didn't know, mumbling random words in one sentence that doesn't make sense is a common symptom of schizophrenia. It's also known as "word salad".
4:30 pm:
I felt guilty for driving you mad. It was all my fault. I missed the exchanges of "how are you"s without any sugarcoating. I wished things were different. My hospital robe offered a landing place for my tears - I just wished it was your chest.
5:15 pm:
A psychiatrist who was not even in charge of me, Dr Aqwa saw me crying my eyes out, so he came and dragged a chair next to my bed to talk to me. I told him everything - how much my heart was aching, feelings of hopelessness, my loss of interest in everything that I used to love.
Dr Aqwa reminded me of my friend, Darwis, his face and demeanour. An extremely pleasant person, could make anyone feel immediately at ease. He advised me to simply grieve it all out and said that crying was the best thing anyone could do as a response to anything sorrowful. He said even he cried all the time, especially back when he was studying Medicine. He added that us humans tend to overlook the smallest things in life and that every single day, we ought to appreciate every little thing such as the rain and the comfortable clothes that we get to wear.
Dr Aqwa reminded me that people come and go. Sometimes their existence in our lives meant to teach us a lesson, then they leave. It's a cycle of life. A funny remark that he left: If it could happen to Adele, it could happen to everyone.
7:30 pm:
I buka puasa with the girls plopped on my bed, entertaining each other. We wrote loving notes on each of our notebook and jotted down our contact details. We made a pledge to meet again, perhaps for a jog, an idea that popped up when Win Nee told us that she used to run 10km every single day. Wtf right. She also used to do taekwondo and Muay Thai. She offered her arm for us girls to cop a feel HAHA and it's taut as heck. I was so envious but I never did any workout so my flabby arms and I just stayed quiet. Things took a somber turn when Win Nee blanked out and sadly said, "I have to stay here for at least 2 more weeks but you guys are discharging soon. How can I go on?"
9:00 pm:
I was doing my skincare routine when Cikgu Faizah approached me, stared at my face and pointed at my newly-formed pimple, "Apa tu ataih muka? Hantu tokak (gigit) ka?" HAHAHAHAH. Pls let me have my hormonal breakouts in peace. But thanks to her for letting me know of the new blemish. The ward did not have ANY mirrors, be it in the bathroom or at the sinks. I guess it was to prevent terrible cases of body dysmorphia.
10:00 pm:
There was a new admission. 38 year-old Nicole with MDD, severe anxiety and OCD. I asked her how she ended up in the ward and she responded with, "Dalam otak saya sangat penat. Saya fikir mau bunuh diri saja. Saya tak boleh control". I could gauge that she was yearning for physical comfort so I reached my hand out to her, and she wholeheartedly took it and sat on my bed. Her body language screamed that she was horridly anxious. I asked her about her family and she told me of her loving husband and her 2 year-old daughter. The cause of her depression? Guess what. It was Covid-19. She was absolutely fine just a month ago.
She looked 10 years younger than her age. She gave me a bitter smile then got up to go to her husband to settle the admission process.
19/5/2020
1:40 am:
I was stirred awake by Cikgu Faizah chanting some random words while rocking back and forth on her bed with her body covered in the damn blanket. You'd think it was funny but not when most lights were turned off and it was nearly 2 in the dead of night. Takut la gila.
5:00 am:
I woke up to Claudine whispering to me, "Don't you have to suhoor?" to which I nodded. She sat in the chair by my bed and sipped her tea. Claudine lamented about how she couldn't sleep at all and had been crying non-stop. She did request for a doctor and was given 3 anxiety pills. She also playfully complained about how Emily always asked for her food and coins HAHA. For real though, Emily got hungry all the time that Claudine deemed her a "rubbish bin". The nurse then called out to me to take my meds, so I went. I wished Claudine a good night. She really was a sad soul wrapped in a happy exterior.
7:40 am:
The nurses woke us all up to get our bedsheets changed. I went on to take a shower, all the while thinking about the discussion between Dr Kim and my dad that would take place today at 10, without me. I somehow felt like I was being ratted out.
8:00 am:
Claudine left a note on top of my journal. It seemed like she read it while I was asleep last night. Cute.
11:40 am:
In her ludicrous tone, Cikgu Faizah said to me from across the ward, "Jangan nangis". Then she offered me her adult diaper which I declined then the nurse that happened to walk by said to her, "Dia pakai pad, tak pakai lampin dah". HAHAH. Cikgu Faizah then proceeded to sing raya songs in the most endearing, off-key voice.
Dr Kim came and visited me. She informed me that my dad agreed to switching my antidepressant to a new one. God I hope it works this time around, since Escitalopram didn't. Still, I had to be tapered off of it AND consume the new one at the same time. I hoped whatever chemicals in my brain cooperate with the new medication haha pls I'm tired.
Dr Kim let me know of how concerned my dad was pertaining to my wellbeing, and so was my mum. Well that hit me in my feels. I expressed how guilty I felt for making them worry, but I was reassured by Dr Kim that I was their daughter so it was absolutely in their nature to worry. I'd only ever told so little about my predicaments to my parents, only touched base about them. I'd bet they were surprised at the severity of it all. So I was advised to build more trust in my whole family.
I was also advised to make peace with the past, at least be happy that the good things in my life, which had in fact ended, did take place. I thought about it as Dr Kim left, cried and fell asleep.
3 pm:
Win Nee tried to kill herself. She used the edge of her locker to cut herself and banged her head against the wall. The nurses then pulled up the railing of her bed and moved her bed directly in front of the nurses' station for closer supervision.
After Win Nee had calmed down, us girls approached her and asked if she was okay. She assured us that she was okay, although we could see her cheeks had trailings of wetness left by her tears. She explained she just needed to do it and absolutely lost control. She literally didn't know what she was doing. I truly empathised with her. This was something that's usually hard to grasp by people that don't experience it, but I'm telling you that when we say we don't know what we're doing, we REALLY don't know what we're doing. Mental illness has a special way of fucking us up like that.
Kasthoori held Win Nee close to her, then we let the latter sleep.
3:30 pm:
Claudine has discharged. I already missed her. She left her comb on my overbed table though, I'll return it to her when MCO ends.
4 pm:
We went for occupational therapy, which was a form of therapy that entailed doing activities that make us focused. Today what we did was colouring. Man, I LOATHE colouring sia like I don't have the patience for it. My finished product turned out hideous. I really don't have the flair for artistry.
It was Kasthoori's 22nd birthday so we sang the birthday song for her. Instead of joy, she cried. I told her that it was okay, this year I had a bad birthday too.
5 pm:
Emily, Kasthoori, Win Nee and I were deep in our conversation - filled with anecdotes and cackles. Nicole, clearly in distress, approached us. "You all boleh senyum, kenapa saya sedih dan tak boleh senyum? You all masa mula-mula masuk tak boleh senyum juga macam saya ke?" She was putting so much pressure on her recovery process, I understood that. She was a parent, of course she would want to heal as quickly as possible and get back to carrying out motherly duties. Kasthoori told her that it would take time, so much time. Then Nicole hugged my waist as we were walking back to our respective beds and I hugged her right back. I felt like I was the more composed and mature one. It felt nice for once to be the one offering comfort instead of being at the receiving end of it.
6 pm:
I was so sad that I cried while performing my prayer.
8 pm:
The time to buka puasa arrived. The nurse beckoned to me and gave me a slice of pepperoni pizza. After days of eating bland hospital food, pepperoni pizza tasted like heaven on earth.
Cikgu Faizah's behaviour was so chaotic today. She took her trousers and diapers off and stood by her bed with her blanket over her whole body like it was a satanic ritual. Then she scolded me for leaving my cup of hot chocolate on the table and then drinking it 5 minutes later. Apparently, my drink ada saka because I left it alone uncovered. She kept saying frightfully that she saw white shadows infesting my beverage. But....I minum je.
8:30 pm:
I was given my new antidepressant called Venlafaxine. The capsule was bigger so it was harder to swallow.
Cikgu Faizah had been staring at me for a long time when she finally said, "Hang ni dok tulih ja, rajin betui. Assignment ka?" HAHAHAHAH for 4 days straight I hadn't thought of assignments AT ALL. I must've had a lot piling up already. I suddenly missed my friends and wondered how they were doing. But then my thoughts shifted to my assignments again and I got stressed out. Life really doesn't wait for us. That was a harsh slap of reality. Thanks, Cikgu Faizah. Serving her old purpose even in the psychiatric ward.
9:30 pm:
I felt so intensely sad. I read surah Al-Waqi'ah. I cried then went to bed.
