Coming of age.
Wednesday, May 24, 20174:26 AM
Phew, it took quite some time for me to summon all my mental capacity and overcome my sloth to try and get back in my writing grooves. It's been so long since the last time I properly pen down my thoughts hehe, let's see how I fare in this one. I feel like I'm not as eloquent anymore so there will be some rough edges, methinks. :(
Let's begin with the status quo. I've just finished my foundation studies, made it out of the results announcement unscathed over a week ago, and am now on a quest for uh, money. Having done my foundation programme also constitutes being nocturnal as hell, not rising until late afternoon and never getting out of bed and lying prostrate on it with nothing to accomplish. Sedentary lifestyle at its finest. Every day is an absolute drag. An utter bore.
To say that the transition from life in Dengkil to the relatively quiet life at home was smooth would be far off the truth. It has been over a month since I stepped out of that memorable education haven but I still find myself reminiscing about every single experience that I had there with my friends. I think I have long established that my friends and I have formed a very close-knit and profound bond of friendship that I'd like to keep for as long as I live. Anyone who is familiar with us would know that we are practically joined at the hips. Right now, though, at home where the ambience is too tranquil and devoid of deafening laughter at inside jokes and innuendos, I am missing them utterly.
However, it wouldn't be a worthwhile journey if it was smooth and plain-sailing. It would be deceiving if I say I didn't hurt at some point in the second semester. To my own dismay, I, as someone who holds herself out to have a mental capacity and outlook on life similar to that of a prepubescent child, blithe and frivolous, did get myself into some mildly hot water and failed to dodge altercations a few times.
One ordeal back in February left a perpetual mark in my head, embedded a sense of trepidation within me every time even harmless men approached me. Though it only lasted a mere couple of minutes, that brief touch bordering on assault was enough to leave me traumatised and cry for days until my eyes were spent. It took a lot of consolation and appeasement from my friends, but somehow I managed to pull myself together. That fellow student will always be the cause of me ever being reluctant to go out besides constantly dreading that something unfortunate will befall me. Time passed but I have yet to heal. Still, I forgive him.
Glass is sharp, hard and impermeable, albeit fragile. And akin to that are friendships. An intact and whole friendship makes a formidable force. But what happens if a squabble or fight strikes it with a vengeance? Suddenly all words and reassurances of love and loyalty were forgotten and everyone jostled to prove their own points and get swallowed up in their ego. The hardest part of it was that the tension was conspicuous. And people asked.
Tears were shed, hostile words were thrown at each other, faces were doubled and faith in each other was questioned. Admittedly, I myself succumbed to my selfish temperament that I didn't even know existed. The conflicts were untimely as hell, and I would be bluffing if I say it didn't affect my studies. Because of this, I half-assed my way through my papers but I managed to pass them all by the grace of God. It very nearly ended with no love lost between us. Thankfully it didn't. Now even though we've cleared the air, the creases that formed on the fabric of our friendship can never be completely ironed smooth. To this day it never erased the feeling of remorse inside me. To whom it may concern, I'm so sorry.
Life is funny, innit? So is the prospect of time. And the fact that we cross paths with someone whom we later discover would be the most important person in our lives when we least expect it. I had always longed for someone who can bear with my annoyingly childlike and ingenuous demeanour, and at the same time take me seriously enough as a reliable and capable being. This person, to me, is another level of wonderful. He denies it most of the time, but I insist. Now how do I string my words without blushing and sounding like a pesky lovesick girl to whom Sarah would exclaim, "pergi mampos"? Eeeeeeeee aish. In short, I'd really like to keep this one. Hihi.
Life gives us a lot of bitter pills to swallow, but just as many sweet ones. That's what I learnt all the while in Dengkil. No regrets.